What Can I Say?
by soccerislife14
Summary: What happened on Edward's first night without Bella? Edward's P.O.V. Takes place during New Moon, of course! Edward/Bella.


_Okay, first and foremost…Well, I've never written in Edward's P.O.V. before. The first time I've written a Twilight fanfiction, really. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone (Maximum Ride series) and trying something different. It's kind of new for me. It took a lot of work trying to get his emotions and heartbreak in there, and I can understand if I didn't do it right. But I guess that's for you to determine! Enjoy._

_Note: This is rated K+ for very, very minor swearing. Just wanted to warn you. But it's nothing you wouldn't hear on a regular day at school, I promise. _

_And, this isn't a songfic, but the song that gave me a lot of inspiration for it is, "What Can I Say?" by Carrie Underwood. It's really a beautiful song, and describes this story pretty well._

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Twilight. Sorry. But I do own this nice comfy pillow that I will be sleeping on as soon as I post this..haha..

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**Edward's P.O.V.**

I said all I had to say.

Surely, that should have been enough. It must be noble; selfless, even. I had given up everything…my love…my life. Her. She _was_ everything. She was the light in the dark, the one thing that made me want to live, or whatever it is that we do.

But it wasn't enough. It was never enough.

Bella _is_ my life. Without her, this isn't life. This is never-ending existence, which is really what I deserve. I'm a monster. She deserves better than me, a vampire who can only kill her.

I kept seeing that little light in her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes…_I _had taken that sparkle out. I'd seen it flicker and then die, right there in that forest clearing. All of her emotions played across her face, clear in my mind: confusion, disbelief, sadness…hurt.

All because of me. It was agony.

Why could she believe all the lies I had told? She took them in so fast. She trusted me too much, even at the end. How could she think that I would ever stop loving her? I loved everything about her: her love, her kindness, her eyes, her scent…

Oh, God. This hurts. It hurts like hell.

I shouldn't have done this. I should go back right now and just..

No. No. No.

I couldn't go back now. I'd already made my decision. I was sitting in the meadow. Our meadow. I could picture in my mind that first day, that first kiss…

It was Twilight, ironically. I remember talking to Bella about, that day not so long ago on her porch. The saddest time of the day, before the stars were taking their time to come out and right after the sun goes down. Just stuck in the medium of night and day, never truly belonging in either.

I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.

I heard the almost silent sound of someone treading on leaves, their breathing. I knew who it was before they appeared in the clearing.

"Edward," Carlisle said.

_Oh no, Edward, _He said in his thoughts. He frowned and came to sit next to me. I felt so small and weak, my knees curled into my chest, arms wrapped around my legs.

Everyone had already left for Denali, except for Carlisle. He had stayed, so I wouldn't be alone and do something reckless. Even though he would never admit it, I knew that was the case.

"She's gone," I muttered. "She'll never forgive me."

_Son, you made a choice. We all have to live with our choices, no matter how much they hurt. I'm so sorry._

Carlisle put his arms around my shoulders. I felt like pushing him away, but I didn't.

"Edward, you did what you thought was right."

I simply stared at the ground. I didn't feel so right anymore. I felt like I deserved to die. But that would be a blessing, being able to die. The worst punishment would be having to live in this torture, this self-hatred, forever.

"Carlisle…I feel so…"

My father replied sadly, "I know, Edward. I know."

I knew I was about to lose it. I was shaking. The familiar burning sensation around my eyes.

Carlisle seemed to understand what was happening. "We don't have to leave right away if you don't want to," he said gently, releasing his hold around me. He stood up. He added in his head, _If you need a little while. _

He knew I needed to spend this time alone. He walked out of the clearing, turning back twice to simply study me sadly. _I'm sorry, Edward. These things take time._

I felt the soft breathe of wind, silent as a feather, as my father started running through the trees.

I waited until I could no longer hear his thoughts, then I let it all out. I didn't want to be right. I started crying tearless, broken sobs. It didn't matter if anyone saw me now. I gasped for air.

"Bella…Bella…"

My chest felt heavy. I hated how defenseless I looked, but at the moment, I didn't care.

I knew my heart was breaking. I wanted to die.

_Bella, I love you. Bella..I'm sorry._

Those were the only thoughts going through my head.

I didn't feel like ever leaving this spot. The pain was only going to get worse. But I knew I had to get up, at some point.

I closed my eyes, and saw her face. And suddenly, I _knew _she would forgive me. I knew she would happily welcome me back into her life, without a second thought.

But damn it, I'd promised. I wasn't going to take away her happiness just because I was in pain. She deserved to be happy, and to fall in love with a regular person. She deserved more than a monster.

For tonight, I simply laid there. Numbness took over me. Carlisle would return in the morning, and then I would have to be strong again. I would have to move on, for my family's sake. I wondered if my attempt to gain control would be a failure.

It wouldn't matter. I would go off by myself, and it wouldn't make a difference if I was hurting or not; there was no one who deserved to endure my suffering.

I lay down on my back, afraid to keep my eyelids shut. I would always see her behind them. I didn't know if I would be able to keep control of myself if I were to see her face again. I was too close to her right now; the temptation to run back to her was too much.

It was in the back of mind to get up right then and leave this town, and getting far, far away from the temptation.

I thought about it, but didn't act on it.

I lay down, and closed my eyes again.

***

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_Hmm. That turned out a little different than I thought it would. Kind of angsty. Haha. But I like it, I guess. It's a new topic for me to write about._

_So, what did you think? Was it okay?_

_Thanks for reading!_

_Love,_

_-soccerislife14_

_…R&R?_

_P.S. And for those of you who like Maximum Ride, check out my profile. I have 4 of those stories. :D _


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